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Did Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison Crap Himself At Engadine Maccas In 1997? An Investigation

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The internet might be full of filth and muck but there’s absolutely no denying it: Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. And for those of you fully plugged into the horrible Twitter website, one particularly pongy assertion has been circling the drain for days now: That Prime Minister Scott Morrison, in the hours after the Cronulla Sharks lost the 1997 Grand Final, wantonly and violently shit his pants at the Engadine Maccas.

Ridiculous? Perhaps at first. But after we begun pulling the thread, the shit became far runnier than we could’ve imagined. Being the responsible media outlet that we are, we investigated.

Like with all widely-spread allegations/cheeks, it’s important to zero in on the central dot. In this case, the origin of the story.

On August 24th of last year, Scott Morrison became the Prime Minister of Australia following a bitter Liberal Party leadership spill. That same afternoon, Sydney-based hip hop artist Joyride broke wind on the dack shatting yarn.

This, by all accounts, appears to be the first appearance of the rumour on social media. The rumour that Scott Morrison absolutely loaded his pants up at Engadine Maccas after Cronulla lost the Grand Final in 1997.

At the time, Joyride provided further detail: That the amount of shit allegedly funnelled by Morrison into his own pants was large, and that the story had been verified by an unnamed friend who worked there.

The story subsequently passed into oblivion, wafting into the breeze much like anything else posted to Twitter. However over the past handful of days, for reasons we can’t fully explain, it has resurfaced.

Ever since Morrison’s poorly-received interview with Waleed Aly on The Project, the rumour – that he shidded himself at Engadine Maccas in 1997 – has floated back to the surface.

This time, it caught fire.

Google trends data shows a huge and sustained spike in searches for the term “Engadine Maccas” from March 21st onwards.

That renewed interest has been fuelled largely by social media, which has been awash with people asserting the rumour is true.

“Sorry to hear that our dullard fascist prime minister shat his pants at engadine maccas in 1997, prefiguring the grand public shart that is his political career. I guess that’s just how it is on this bitch of an earth” — Eleanor Robertson (@marrowing) March 26, 2019

The “Engadine Maccas 1997” phrase by itself has become shorthand; code for people whispering and/or strongly alluding to the rumour without going so far as to explicitly copy it out in full.

Much like the alleged shit, it goes on and on and on and on.

The story, it should be noted, is unverifiable: Morrison’s office is unlikely to give the time of day to it, and Joyride refuses to delve any deeper into the matter.

What’s far more interesting to investigate, however, is whether it’s possible that Morrison fired turds into his undies at the Engadine Maccas in 1997.

Now there is some conjecture over whether the incident occurred following the Sharks Grand Final loss to Brisbane, or whether it occurred the week prior following their Preliminary Final victory over Canberra.

The latter seems slightly more plausible; that match was held at Shark Park, a mere 25-minute drive from the now infamous Engadine Maccas.

Of course it’s also quite possible Morrison was attending a Grand Final Day function at Sharks League Club as well, which would also put him within shitting distance of Engadine after the 1997 season decider.

Could Morrison have made a mad dash away from a big Sharkies final or function only to find himself caught short mere metres from the salvation of an Engadine Maccas loo? We certainly can’t rule that out at this stage.

But the question of why Engadine is rightfully on the lips of young and old alike. Why that location, when there are several McDonald’s outlets far closer to Cronulla’s home turf?

It’s a fair point, and a well-made one at that. However that’s a query that was quickly answered by Twitter’s collective hive mind.

“Engadine maccas is a traditional place to stop for a quick shart on the journey between sydney and wollongong. he’s not wrong for doing it” — Eleanor Robertson (@marrowing) March 26, 2019

Could Scott Morrison have farded and shidded his pantaloons at Engadine Maccas while making a quick exit from Shark Park back to Canberra? Geographically, it makes sense. The stars – or sharts – seem to be aligning.

However another fair point raised in the ensuing shit storm posits that Morrison was deliberately targeting that very specific Maccas for the purposes of snapping one off in his jocks, given the location’s proximity to other suitably appropriate locations.

While it’s nigh-on impossible to ascertain in 1997 terms, it’s worth noting that Engadine Maccas is currently open 24/7, while KFC Engadine closes at 11pm on Saturdays. Assuming the Sharks game ended at around 10pm, and allowing 30 minutes to celebrate, exit the stadium, and get to a car, that leaves around 30 minutes to get from Shark Park to Engadine, meaning there’s a good chance the KFC may have been closed at the point Morrison arrived, batter on deck. Or at the very least they would not have been receptive to last-minute toilet loiterers.

In this instance, we can safely rule in Morrison’s favour: The highly alleged shit was likely neither targeted, nor malicious of intent.

That aside, the incident seems to have haunted the location; a cursory look at the Engadine Maccas Google reviews reveals a telling common theme.

While it could be quite easy to hand wave all of this away as the inane nattering of a brain-poisoned few on Twitter, local anecdotal evidence remains ever present; evidence that suggests not only did Scott Morrison really fucken shit himself at Engadine Maccas in 1997, but that locals in the area have known about it for years.

So what conclusion can we draw from all of this?

Based on all evidence available to us, it is absolutely possible for the now-Prime Minister to have shit the crotch out of his dacks at the Engadine Maccas. His noted support of the Cronulla Sharks gives him probable cause to have been in the area on the day in question. And the potential motive for shitting oneself on accident at aforementioned Maccas (too many schooeys) is thick in the air.

But the bottom line here is that, despite the prevalence of the story over the past few days, Morrison and his team are yet to comment or face questioning on the matter.

And that, like the alleged skid marks in his alleged dacks, is perhaps most telling of all.

CONCLUSION: Inconclusive.

 

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By Cam Tyeson

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